Break Up or Make Up?
“Will he come apologize? Or should I wait it out again?”
Relationships are hard. And when it doesn’t work out, breaking up is heartbreaking. Hurt feelings run rampant, old scars are ripped open, and resentment and regret fester. Why is it that the person who we once loved the most is now the one who hurts us the most? There comes a time in most relationships where both parties are in a waiting game – do I break up with her? If I wait it out, will it get better…or will he break up with me first?
Breaking up is a choice. Each person has a choice to make, but the ultimate outcome also depends on the actions of their partner. Of course, the best mutual decision is to be vulnerable with each other and work it out together, in which case both parties emerge semi-victorious and feelings are spared. And in principle, we want to be the generous person – to walk out of a relationship holding our head high and wishing our partner the best. But in reality, even unconsciously, we want the last word. We want to dump, not to be dumped. We want our ex to miss us, so we can “win” the breakup.
In some ways, breakups read like the classic Prisoner’s Dilemma. Take Sarah and Jake for example. Their relationship is deteriorating, and each can choose to breakup (confess), or to be vulnerable and work on their problems (don’t confess). Classic game theory dictates that the dominant strategy is for Sarah and Jake to break up with each other. In this choice, both are hurt but get to maintain a semblance of power… making it the least risky choice. Sarah choosing to be vulnerable (don’t confess) leaves her at the mercy of Jake. If he also chooses to be vulnerable (don’t confess), then they could start to mend their relationship problems. However, if Jake chooses to breakup (confess), then Sarah risks being hurt even more – and ultimately walks out with nothing. So even though the best mutual choice is to both be vulnerable with each other, the uncertainty involved with that choice makes it a risky strategy. In the Prisoner’s Dilemma, this would be akin to both parties not confessing. It would lead to the best outcome for both involved, but since you cannot be sure of your partner’s choice, it could also lead to more jail time for you.
So instead, Sarah and Jake would choose to breakup with each other, taking on some hurt but sparing themselves from the pain that would result from showing unreciprocated vulnerability.