Power in Relationships
Bertram Russell, an English philosopher argued that power is fundamental to human relationships. As we’ve seen in class, there are interesting phenomena that occur when we introduce the notion of power into relationships. He argued that it is impossible to have a meaningful relationship with another person without some exchange of power and intimacy. In a balanced relationship, you have power over the other person while that person also has power over you. However, not all relationships are balanced, and when the scales tip to one side you get disaster.
Ian H. Robertson Ph.D, author of “The Winner Effect”, talks about an awkward dinner party he had been a part of. As the conversations died down one-by-one, the only interaction that kept going happened to be between a women and her husband, who we will call Karen and Chris. From bits and pieces of the conversation, Robertson could catch wisps of harassment, bullying, mental cruelty, and even hints of sexual inadequacies. Karen had completed dismantled this man she called her husband as if the rest of the dinner party ceased to exist and they were back in the privacy of their own home. Chris was completely defeated and the more he slumped over, the livelier Karen seemed. According to Dr. Robertson, “She exuded triumph and something much worse – contempt.”
John Gottman, the world’s expert on relationships and marital breakup has shown in his research that, “the presence of contempt in the speech or demeanor of one marital partner is a sign that the relationship is doomed.” According to Gottman, this contempt comes from the power that Karen holds over Chris. This power is knowing not only what the other person needs and wants but also what they fear. Because Chris loved Karen, she had control over what he wanted and what he feared most: her affection and abandonment by her.
Deborah Gruenfeld and others at Stanford University have conducted research to suggest that when we arouse power feelings in others, they begin to see us as objects. In their research, they studied students reliving a situation where they held power over someone. They found that these students were inclined to see others as objects rather than as people. More specifically, they were inclined to classify others in terms of their usefulness.
While it is impossible not to have an exchange of power in a meaningful relationship, it must be exactly that: an exchange. If one person holds to much power, they begin to objectify their partner and feel contempt for them. The key is in balancing the power dynamic so both partners feel powerful and neither partner feels contempt.
Ian H. Robertson Ph.D. “The Power Struggle of Relationships” PsychologyToday. PsychologyToday, 25 November 2012.