With divorce rates at an all-time high, many families who go through divorce or separation find that they need to learn how to co-parent their children. Co-parenting means that both parents are involved in sharing responsibility for raising their children. If the parents are not romantically involved, it is suggested that parenting needs to take the form of a more businesslike, cooperative relationship that is focused on the best interest of the children. Changing to this type of relationship can be difficult in the face of separation; however, it is possible and requires patience and practice.
Research shows that divorce and separation have been associated with an increase in child and adolescent adjustment problems including academic difficulties (poor performance grades, higher dropout rates), disruptive behaviors, and increased risk for anxiety and depression. This is particularly true in co-parenting families where there are higher levels of conflict, aggression, and parental disputes (as children often feel caught in the middle).
Ensuring that co-parenting works requires that both parents contribute to their child’s care, upbringing, and activities while interacting frequently and respectfully with one another. For many parents, the pain of divorce and perhaps lingering anger are difficult to simply put aside; however, putting aside personal feelings is one of the best things you can do to improve your co-parenting relationship and give your child what they need emotionally and physically. Researchers suggest that parents start by identifying what is going well in their relationship instead of what hasn’t been working. This way, they can work on accentuating the positive as they work on resolving any parenting conflicts with their ex as they arise.
To help you create a healthy and productive co-parenting relationship, here are some suggestions:
- Set clear boundaries—parents should recognize what they have control over and what they don’t. You cannot control who your ex dates or whether they introduce that person to your child (unless you have a written custody agreement or parenting plan). However, you can control what kind of an example you set for your kids. The first step to being a good parent is to be a good role model! Make an effort to show respect to each other in front of the children. Research has shown that parents’ hostility is significantly correlated with a child’s aggression. In studies, the more hostile parents were to each other, the more aggressive their children were. On the other hand, if your children can see that you get along with their other parent, it indicates that you’ve learned how to effectively communicate with them and there is less conflict. That’s good for everyone involved.
- Set a schedule—maintaining a consistent parenting schedule and managing transitions between parenting households requires a healthy level of communication so each parent can count on the other parent to maintain their commitments unless something extraordinary happens and requires a change in routine. Research has found that consistent routines improve kids’ mental health and reduce incidents of depression, suicidality, impulsivity, and aggression. Routines are essential in high-stress environments like divorce. If you need to make a schedule change, make sure you talk to the other parent before announcing the change to the children.
- Parents should be flexible—although routines are healthy, it is also important that parents learn to be flexible with each other while co-parenting. A healthy approach is to be as accommodating with your ex as you want them to be with you. A lack of flexibility can lead to more conflict, which in turn creates a sense of instability for kids.
- Whenever possible, defer to your co-parent—if both parents live in close proximity, work well together and can collaborate, then they can call one another and offer to be with the kids before leaving them with a babysitter.
- Strive to be in agreement—no two parents are going to agree on every decision. However, co-parents who work well together for the sake of the kids will reach a basic level of agreement on the most important things like health issues, discipline, education, and spiritual upbringing.
- Don’t try to manipulate—healthy co-parenting relationships make sure that the parents do not try to manipulate one another or control their child’s allegiances. They recognize that the children need to have relationships with both parents. Even if it’s hard, they know it’s important for the child to have the opportunity to get to know and spend time with the other parent.
Parents should work together as a team to make sure their children know they are safe, supported, loved and cared for, regardless of which household they’re in. It doesn’t matter if you are navigating co-parenting for the first time or you’re trying to find ways to improve and mediate the situation, just remember that the key to co-parenting is open communication, planning, and accountability.
For more information, check out these articles:
Co-Parenting: Taking the High Road after Divorce
https://extension.okstate.edu/fact-sheets/co-parenting-taking-the-high-road-after-divorce.html
How Can I be a Better Co-Parent?