As parents, our job is never done. Because we will always be Mom and Dad, we will always be parenting! Our role as parents evolves as our children grow. We don’t parent our 30-year-olds like we used to parent them when they were 3!
Today, we’re seeing an increase in the number of adult children who return home to live with their parents. The reasons they come back vary, but there seems to be a common thread in many households. According to recent studies, these millennials (often called “boomerangs” for their habit of moving back to their childhood homes well into their 20’s and 30’s) point to economic reasons. In an unstable economy many can’t find a job, or the job they currently have isn’t paying enough to meet their living expenses. They might want to go back to school and need to save money, or their student loan-debt is astronomical. Others return home because of personal problems, and they need a refuge. There can be legal issues like recent incarceration, health issues—including mental health issues, divorce, or relationship problems. Although the reasons their children come back may vary, many parents find themselves in this situation. So how can we adjust to this new trend: Living with Your Adult Children?
Susan Newman, PhD, a social psychologist and the author of the book “Under One Roof Again: All Grown Up and (Re) Learning to Live Happily Together”, says that parents are the ones who should lead the transition back home. In doing so we need to have an exit plan right from the beginning. Think about it—the goal is for the adult child to get themselves together and successfully leave their childhood home, able to live on their own.
Parents need to have honest communication with their children. Ask about their goals, job aspirations, and life direction. At the same time, be realistic and consider what your child is capable of achieving in the time frame you settle on. If your child says they need a couple of years to pay off their loans, save for a new home, or finish their degree, you should check in with them every six months or so to see how far they have gotten and decide if they need to revisit their goals. If your child has returned home due to mental health issues, they may not be ready to move on within a certain time frame.
Parents should also set house rules right from the start. Remember that your child is not a house guest. If they can contribute to the household finances, they should help out. If they cannot afford to contribute towards the utility bills, perhaps they can mow the lawn, run errands, or help in other ways. The key here is to have them choose how they will help. They’re more likely to follow through if they do.
And lastly, parents need to set boundaries. It is your house and if you don’t want your child to smoke or vape in it, then you have every right to set these limits. If they want to stay out late, you can ask for and expect a phone call or text, so you don’t worry. If you don’t want your adult son to have sleepovers with his girlfriend, then you need to tell him. Parents have to remember that their kids are no longer children, and we have to respect their privacy even if you don’t agree with their attitudes, eating, sleeping, or partying habits. Accept their differences, but don’t fall back into “mommy” mode! They can do their own laundry and clean their rooms.
In summary, if you want to make living with your adult children work in your home, make sure you take the lead when they want to come back:
- Have an exit plan in place
- Have honest communication with your children; be respectful
- Set house rules
- Set boundaries
By following those steps, you will be on your way to a healthier relationship with your adult children and can look forward to a mutually beneficial relationship as you adapt to living with each other. For more tips on how to set boundaries, foster healthy relationships, keep communication open, and offer your adult children support and guidance, listen to our podcast on this topic.
All Blogs are written by Professionals in the fields of Nutrition, Human Development and Diabetes.