We have all been there: a child refuses to go to bed, whether putting on pajamas, brushing their teeth, or putting away screens. Often, we get upset, unable to solve the situation, lose our cool, and the child erupts in tears. The truth is that parenting isn’t about perfection, it’s about repair.
Repair is what happens after the conflict. Following moments of disconnection, repair is when the parent provides the connection. It is a pause, allowing us to self-regulate (in short, calm down) and then reapproach the child from a place of reflection and love.
A simple statement, such as “I’m sorry I yelled”, and a hug remind a child that even when emotions flare, a child is still safe and loved. When we acknowledge that the situation was frustrating for both of you and provide validation that difficult emotions followed, we send the message that the relationship is stronger than the conflict. When approaching a child for repair, there is no need for apologies or excuses. Instead, there is an opportunity for some collaborative processing, such as saying “Can we talk about what happened and how it felt?” This helps children learn that conflict doesn’t equal shame or rejection. When words seem difficult, actions such as sitting and taking deep breaths together can also serve as an action of repair.
The process of repair builds emotional strength and honesty. Children learn from a young age that emotions are manageable and that relationships can survive difficult times. When parents lean into empathy over judgment, children learn that vulnerability can strengthen relationships and situations can be made right, even if things go wrong. When these skills are practiced consistently between children and caregivers at home, children can carry these feelings into future relationships.
As a parent or caregiver, practicing repair can be equally cathartic because it shifts the focus of parenting from aiming for perfection to a place where you are responsive, real, and grow with new challenges and situations. When children learn that adults know how to acknowledge mistakes, they will learn that repair is not a sign of weakness, but rather a strength.
Make repair part of your everyday routine, not reserved just for those big meltdowns! Look for small moments to reconnect, such as checking in after a disagreement and validating everyone’s feelings. No big speech or explanation is necessary. Tune into your child’s feelings and stay present. With regular practice, you send the message that your connection with your child matters, no matter the situation.
All Blogs are written by Professionals in the fields of Nutrition, Human Development and Diabetes.