As the holiday season begins, getting together with extended family becomes important. One of the biggest regrets older Americans feel is being estranged from family members. Reaching out to extended family members for sociability and emotional support has been vital during the pandemic. Imagine how painful it is for estranged family members. During this season of love and good will, think about how you may be able to forgive and/or forget past grievances.
Estrangement touches millions of people and causes profound distress. Estrangement can be defined as a situation in which a family member has cut off contact entirely with one or more of their relatives, despite family ties, obligations, and social norms. There is almost no research on this kind of psychologically and emotionally stressed state of being which causes profound distress. This led Cornell University Professor and gerontologist Karl Pillemer to survey 1300 adults in the U.S. Prof. Pillemer found that 27% had a close relative they were estranged from, including a parent, sibling, or other relative. This translates to 68 million people! It is much more prevalent than ever imagined.
Many of these rifts start in childhood, and can be the result of intense sibling rivalry, harsh parenting, or parental favoritism. Other reasons for estrangement include sparring over inheritance of family heirlooms and money battles after a relative passes away, failure to re-pay family loans, unpopular in-laws or spouses who divide family loyalties, or different values and poor communication within a family. An example of the latter: one sibling taking care of an ailing parent without other siblings pitching in. Oftentimes there is a life-long history of conflict, criticism, and unmet expectations.
When two people become estranged, that rift doesn’t affect just the two of them. There is a ripple effect on other family members. Their children are prevented from getting to know each other as cousins. This can lead to the downfall of an entire family, punishing innocent members due to the original dispute. Estranged people feel isolated, ashamed, and stigmatized. They feel a chronic sense of stress which is damaging to their health. Personal rejection is harmful and so tough to deal with.
What can be done to combat estrangement? Prof. Pillemer studied this question and provides some practical strategies for reconciliation. He interviewed 300 people (Cornell Family Reconciliation Project) who endured estrangements. From this number, 100 were able to establish relationships again with their estranged relatives. One strategy involved forgetting who was at fault originally and letting it go without demanding an apology. Relatives learned to accept each other as is, and not impose their own view of the past. There was a need to reconcile before it was too late, and that’s easy to understand as we live through this pandemic. Perhaps the estranged individual changed over time with improved behavior and communication. This was an attempt to preserve precious time and to live in a positive direction, looking forward to the future. There was the need to overcome being defensive and also to eliminate high expectations. There was also the possibility to set clear boundaries so that there wouldn’t be a future rift.
A surprising finding is that reconciliation leads to greater self-awareness. Many times people feel energized and hopeful about their family’s future. These family relationships are critical in providing a sense of stability in our uncertain world.
As we anticipate the festive upcoming holidays and a new year, think about mending some fences and increasing your family’s health and well being.
For more information about this important and fascinating topic, please look for “Fault Lines” (copyright 2002-Avery Books) by Karl Pillemer, PhD, in your public library or local bookstore.
All Blogs are written by Professionals in the fields of Nutrition, Human Development and Diabetes.