Chapter 21
“When I look at her I see that she really hate me. Her face look hard and her mouth got a real cruel twist. If she was a man she would have thump me. She would have try to mash me up just so she can let off some steam and work out how she feel. But she not a man and she can’t do that. She can only stand there and think that maybe she can wear me down with her stare.
But just then she grab the vase and throw it at me.
…
Then suddenly I realise how long it is since I touch her. How long it been since I feel her warm body next to me. And then I can’t tell if I am pushing her away or pulling her towards me. She putting up a good fight either way. She surprise me how strong and agile she get. I even forget I fighting with a woman. I just trying to defend myself. I just trying to get outta this tangle in one piece.”
In this excerpt we see Pao’s mixed emotions about fighting with Fay and his thoughts on gender roles. When thinking about using violence, Pao characterizes that act as a way for men to deal with and express their emotions; “Let off some steam” and “work out how [they] feel”. By leading up to the fight with commentary describing Fay’s femininity as an inhibitor of having the right to take violent action, Young sets the stage for Pao to be abruptly proved wrong (signaled by the start of a new paragraph beginning with “but”).
Toward the middle of the fight, Pao’s mind moves from experiencing a sense of nostalgic intimacy to admiring Fay’s strength to realizing that he is being overpowered. This paragaph troubled me because I could not tell whether or not Pao had learned anything in this moment. Despite the seriousness and gravity of Fay’s anger, he somehow still sexualizes the moment and focuses on himself rather than validating her emotions and grievances with him. The effects from being socialized in a mysogynistic manner cannot be unravelled after one incident, obviously, but it is excruciating to see a missed opportunity to realize and acknowledge one’s ignorance.