By Nancy Olsen-Harbich
In sports, “time out” means a brief break in the game or pause in the action and that’s how parents should think of time outs, too. Use time outs as breaks in the action—sometimes too much action—to allow both you and your child time to regroup and regain control of runaway emotions. Unlike sports, however, or at least professional sports, the idea is to resume play without aggressive behavior or hostile actions.
Time outs are not punishments, behavior modification modules, or teaching tools. Time outs are cooling down periods. Your parenting skills are not likely to shine when you’re fighting back rage and your child is not likely to listen while she is actively screaming. First take time out to get emotions and temper under control. Then move on to positive discipline.
Time Outs Should Be Truly Brief
Because they are the pauses, not the main events, time outs should be truly brief—not more than 3 to 5 minutes. Longer time outs will not give your child more time to quietly reflect or resolve to change. That’s beyond the scope of most 3 to 5 year olds. Longer time outs can, however, give your child more time to “stew,” to shift her focus from calming down to building up resentment or revenge. Allowing too much time to elapse between the child’s bad behavior and your corrective action can also mean a missed opportunity for positive discipline and teaching.
Once the time out is over, seize that opportunity. Ask your child what is bothering him. Most bad behavior is the result of unresolved bad feelings waiting to be aired. Listen carefully to what your child is saying. Perhaps his anger was triggered by someone taking something that belonged to him, or going out of turn. You can let your child know that someone else’s poor behavior is not a reason for him to behave poorly, too. Then talk about how to handle the situation in the future, teaching what he needs to know in order to “do the right thing.”
If Aggressive Behavior Persists
If your child’s aggressiveness not only results in displays of anger and temper, but hurtful or destructive actions, make sure she understands what she did that was improper and how, in many cases, she can make amends. For example, if your child’s anger or boredom led to her drawing on the wall, have her wash the walls, with your supervision or help. Remind her that if she can’t find paper the next time she gets the urge to draw, she should ask you for some first.
If your child’s behavior is a frequent problem, consider attending a class on positive discipline. Call Cornell Cooperative Extension of Suffolk County at 631-727-7850 or visit the CCE website at www.cce.cornell.edu/suffolk
Nancy Olsen-Harbich is Program Director and a Human Development Specialist with Cornell Cooperative Extension of Suffolk County’s Family Health and Wellness Program. She can be reached at 631-727-7850 ext. 332 or at no18@cornell.edu.