By Dinah Torres Castro
Patience is a virtue, and it’s needed by parents every day. Imagine how difficult it is for grandparents and other relative caregivers to have that patience when they are called upon to raise their grandchildren or relatives. At a time in their lives when their thoughts should turn to planning a restful retirement and maybe spoiling a grandchild now and then, these relative caregivers are waking up for 2 am feedings, chasing after toddlers, or tracking down teens at late hours. Parenting is hard work, and it is even harder when you have less energy due to aging or failing health. A growing number of grandparents in Suffolk County are coping with this every day. Regardless of the circumstances that brought them to this point; whether it was the death of their adult child, incarceration, mental illness, substance abuse, or military deployment, these grandparents and caregivers have to start parenting all over again. And boy, do they need patience!
Having patience helps parents cope with daily problems and annoyances in a calm and rational manner. Patience helps us stay emotionally stable in times of crisis, and many grandparent caregivers are frequently dealing with crisis situations. I have attached a resource below that can be helpful to all parents who are wondering how they can develop skills to help them nurture their own patience.
First, start by taking care of yourself. Eat healthfully and get enough exercise each day. A good night’s sleep helps you to wake up feeling refreshed and ready to take on the day’s activities. When you don’t take care of yourself physically and emotionally, stress results, affecting your daily outlook and your body as well. Stress can lead to a weaker immune system, high blood pressure, depression, and anger management issues.
Second, practice self-control. When you feel yourself about to lose your patience—stop! Don’t react impulsively. Allow yourself time to calm down by using a strategy like counting to ten, taking deep breaths, or other quieting or relaxation techniques to bring you back in control.
Next, learn to use effective problem solving methods that help you and your child make sound decisions. Modeling how you resolve problem situations helps them learn how to do it for themselves. Sharing the decision making responsibilities helps children feel empowered and relieves some of your stress.
Finally, take time to plan things. When you allow enough time for tasks, you avoid the stress that being in a rush can cause. A patient parent knows that it is easier if they tie little Timmy’s shoes, but they also understand that if they spend an extra 20 minutes letting Timmy learn to do it by himself, he will learn a life-long skill, develop competence, and gain greater autonomy. In the long run, you are benefitting both Timmy and yourself when you allow him the extra time.
For the past few years I have been working with grandparents and other relative caregivers who are raising their relatives through a program called Parenting the Second Time Around (abbreviated to PASTA). If you are interested in finding out about this program, or have any questions, please contact me at dc258@cornell.edu or call me at 631/727-7850. For more information on patience, click on the link below.
Dinah Castro is a Bilingual Family Well-Being Educator with Cornell Cooperative Extension of Suffolk County’s Family Health and Wellness Program. She can be reached at 631-727-7850 ext. 351 or at dc258@cornell.edu.