By Tim Jahn, M.ED
If your faith and religious practices are important to you, it can be distressing when your pre-teen, teen, or young adult questions your beliefs or openly criticizes religion. As children enter adolescence, resistance and questions about religious faith are common. The adolescent brain undergoes many changes that lead to increased questioning, reasoning, introspection, and even confusion as the world seems less black and white and more in the gray zone. Another major development is the process of autonomy which begins with separation from parents as a primary relationship to the growing importance of peers. Friends with different spiritual backgrounds or beliefs can exert a great deal of influence on a teen’s ideas about God, religion, morality and spirituality. Because of a friend’s influence, a teen may “try on” different religious practices such as attending a place of worship different from their own, or reading a holy text from another religion.
What should a parent do?
- Stay calm. Don’t over-react. Remember that it’s normal for many teens to have doubts and to question what they have been brought up to believe.
- Don’t take it personally. It can feel like rejection when your teen stops attending services, but the lack of interest and participation in religious experiences is often part of the process of re-discovering and re-committing to one’s faith.
- Be a good listener. Let your teen know that you want to hear what she is thinking and respond in ways that encourage more thoughtfulness. If you judge, criticize, or condemn them or their ideas, you will forego any chance to influence them.
- Let your teen know that it’s normal for people to have questions and doubts, and that working through these helps strengthen what we believe.
- Share spiritual resources with your teen that may help increase their understanding and help them make informed decisions about their faith.
- Above all, stay connected to your teen and keep the lines of communication open.
Religious faith can be a strength that we nurture in our kids as a way to help them understand who they are in this world, and how they can live a life that has meaning and purpose. However, in order for faith to be truly useful, they have to claim it as their own. In their transition through adolescence teens are changing and growing in many ways, and faith is no exception. In order to assist them through this process, we have to be aware of what they are going through and respond to their experiences with patience, understanding and active support.
Source: Adapted by Tim Jahn, Parent Educator with the Family Health and Wellness Program, from www.myparenthetical.com, University of Wisconsin Extension