If We Want Our Preschoolers to Practice Self-Control,
We Need to Show Them What It Looks and Sounds Like
By Nancy Olsen-Harbich, MA
Famous athletes and actors can shrug off the responsibility of acting as role models, but as parents, we don’t have that luxury. In most cases, children will act as they see us act. If we scream and yell, they’ll scream and yell. If we hit, they’ll see that as acceptable behavior and a solution to their problems. If we whine when we’re disappointed, expect children to follow suit.
Our ability to control our own strong emotions is one of the most important things we can do to help our children become self-disciplined. That’s an important behavior, not only to avoid “scenes” now, but also to teach children to make and carry out wise decisions for a lifetime.
In every family, opportunities abound to teach by example.
- Certain situations, like waiting on lines, tempt frustration. Nobody likes to wait on line and children have to suffer through a lot of lines with adults at stores and restaurants and with other children during routines at preschool. Model for your child how to pass the time by visually exploring the environment (“Look at that big bunch of balloons…How many colors do you see?”) or by singing a quiet song. If you expect to be waiting on a long line, bring along a bag of interesting books or small toys to help keep children occupied.
- Your child won’t win every game she plays or get every toy he wants, so disappointments will occur. Show your child how you act when you are disappointed, when a long anticipated visit from an old friend is cancelled and how your feelings can lead you to take positive action. Reschedule the visit or call someone else you’d like to see. Let them know that it’s okay to feel hurt or disappointed, but moping doesn’t help.
- Children see their parents as powerful people who make lots of decisions. Give children choices that help them develop decision-making skills. Instead of just putting a bowl of cereal in front of your child, give him a choice of two healthy alternatives. Don’t just declare bath time, but ask your child whether she would prefer to take a bath before or after reading a story. Such choices teach decision-making and give your child a sense of self-control.
- Acknowledging good behavior is one of the most effective and pleasant methods of discipline. Catch children at the moment they are sharing or dealing well with a strong feeling and compliment them on their behavior.
Just as your child can’t always be on his or her best behavior, recognize that neither can you. It’s okay to occasionally lose your cool, but not your resolve to show your child how to practice self-control.
Nancy Olsen-Harbich is Program Director and a Human Development Specialist with Cornell Cooperative Extension of Suffolk County’s Family Health and Wellness Program. She can be reached at 631-727-7850 ext. 332 or at no18@cornell.edu.