By Cara Weiner Sultan, MSW
Early on, parents learn the importance of praising their child. Expressing admiration, approval, and commending a child has many benefits. Praise can build a child’s self esteem and sense of self. While this is positive and necessary, recent research has uncovered the delicate balance between praise and too much praise. Researchers believe that instead of building self-esteem, bestowing too much praise on a child can actually backfire and cultivate qualities of narcissism (an inflated sense of importance and self worth).
Narcissistic traits in children are developed when parents consistently overvalue them. Parents may see their children as extraordinary beings who need special treatment and attention. Over time, children who are treated this way internalize those feelings and believe that they are better than others. For example, narcissistic traits emphasize the notion that there can only be one winner and “no one is better than me.” Self-esteem focuses on the notion that “you can be good and I can be good because we are both equals and in turn, we both feel good about ourselves.” Parents should be mindful when praising children to make sure the praise doesn’t include the notion that they are “the best.” Parents should look to cultivate a child’s self esteem through statements that help the child feel worthy as a person. Some children are overly self confident, which doesn’t necessarily lead to narcissism if parents remember that while we want children to feel proud, they don’t deserve more than others.
Helping children flourish and promoting good self esteem can be achieved through developing a relationship that is warm, reciprocal and affectionate, and not putting your children on a pedestal. Hugging, sharing warmth, and doing things together make children feel that you appreciate spending time with them. Make them feel that your praise is connected to who they are as people, not their superior accomplishments. Engaging in discussions where children learn that they matter and are loved will, over time, help children internalize themselves as worthy and thus lead to solid feelings of self-esteem. Be mindful of the messages you send to your children. Give praise that is tempered and loving, yet reminds them about important values in life.
Cara Weiner Sultan is a Parent Educator with Cornell Cooperative Extension of Suffolk County’s Family Health and Wellness Program. She can be reached at caw10@cornell.edu