By Nancy Olsen-Harbich, MA
What to Do When Your Child Lies or Greatly Exaggerates
Young children who do not always tell the whole truth are not necessarily deliberately lying. Rather, they are not always able to separate reality from fantasy. Lying is not the result of moral failure, but often of a rich imagination and wishful thinking. Sometimes stressful situations or feelings that a child is unable to express underlie lying.
If you think your child is lying, gently question him about what really happened, without branding him with the label of liar or trying to trap him in a lie. If it is obvious to you that your child did not wash her face, don’t ask her if she did, and then drag her in front of a mirror if she says yes. It won’t make her face any cleaner, but can make her feel foolish and humiliated.
Discipline, but Avoid Harsh Punishment
If you do catch a child in a lie, try to use it as an opportunity to discipline, not just punish. Harsh punishment can cause a child to become more skillful at lying to protect himself from further punishment.
Discipline involves teaching. Let children know that you are not fooled by lying, that you don’t like lying, and that doing so can be harmful to themselves and others. Tell children that frequent lying can cause other people to doubt them, even when they are telling the truth. Assure children that when mistakes and accidents happen in your family, they will be dealt with in a supportive manner that focuses on problem solving, not persecuting perpetrators.
Deal With the Underlying Problem
If lying is causing or masking a problem, deal with it. If another child was blamed for something your child did and denied, have your child acknowledge responsibility and apologize. If a child says he can’t go out to play with others because he can’t find his shoes, when it was really because other children made fun of the way he threw a ball, talk to him about his feelings and the actions of the other children, and then go and toss the ball with him.
Encourage, thank, and praise your child for telling the truth, particularly in difficult situations where her actions may have caused damage, injury, or hurt feelings. Then help her devise a plan for accepting responsibility and making amends.
Being a good parent often means being a good role model. Think before you speak, and don’t make promises or threats that you cannot keep. Unkept promises are perceived as lies by young children. Good relationships are built on mutual respect, confidence, and trust.
Nancy Olsen-Harbich is Program Director and a Human Development Specialist with Cornell Cooperative Extension of Suffolk County’s Family Health and Wellness Program. She can be reached at 631-727-7850 ext. 332 or at no18@cornell.edu.