By Nancy Olsen-Harbich, MA
Three-and-a-half year old Emma hates to go to bed. Being awake is more interesting and she does not want the day to end. Her mom and dad adore her, yet find themselves exhausted by the nightly battles at bedtime. Even after bedtime is finally accomplished, they find themselves too wrung out to enjoy each other’s company and often spend their few remaining awake hours separately, doing chores or sitting at the computer until they stumble into bed.
Sound familiar? At our parent workshops, many parents of youngsters share that they feel tired all the time, that they frequently feel resentful towards their children, and they also feel less connected to their spouses or partners than they’d like to feel. Lack of a successfully planned and executed bedtime routine for the children is often at the root of this dilemma.
Make a Plan for Bedtime:
Motivation and determination are the keys! Be clear that two sets of needs are in play here, grown-up needs and children’s needs. Honest parents concede – we are the tired ones at the end of the day, not the kids (or at least they won’t admit it!) Buy into and get comfortable with the belief that children must go to bed because you have, hopefully, been wonderful parents for more than ten or twelve waking hours. Now you need time without them in order to have the energy and patience to be wonderful parents the next day. And we deserve some down-time – parenting well is hard work and we are human beings with our own needs, separate from our children’s.
Try to feel strong in your resolve that time without your children benefits your children in the long run. Parents who have a few hours of “childless” time at the end of the day to connect with their spouses, hobbies, a good book, or even work on cleaning a closet without interruption feel more welcoming and loving towards their children in the morning. Whether they like it or not, kids need sleep. Eleven or twelve hours of it is not too much for young ones – they will function better in all areas the next day. So if they wake up at 7am, consider starting your bedtime routines by 7pm in the evening.
Begin an Every Night Bedtime Routine:
Thirty to forty-five minutes of “sleep readiness” activities help create a soothing transition, and bedtime routines help children make the physical and emotional transition from their busy days to restful sleep. These include bathing, brushing teeth, reading stories, and quiet bedside conversation in a predictable pattern. Every family has their own “take” on what routine best brings the day to an end, but the key is to develop a pattern of quiet activities (same order each night) and a communication style that combines a gentle good-night with good humored determination and firmness.
Consistency is very comforting to young children. Announce “In five minutes it will be time to get ready for bed” then let them finish what they are doing, and begin the familiar routine. At the end of your routine, a friendly “I love you and will see you in the morning, sweetie” is your exit line. What if your child still insists about being “not tired”? Don’t fight about it. Leave a stack of books and a light on a bed stand –they are welcome to unwind as adults often do, with a good book. But the activities of family time are over – sharing food, conversations, play, and companionship. Now it’s grown-up time.
Hopefully, children are in bed for the night – visitors to the living room need to be brought back to bed immediately. “Family time is over, see you in the morning” is your mantra – unless some soothing is needed for a very real bellyache or nightmare. Try your hardest not to rise to the bait of engaging in a battle with your little ones who have not quite “gotten” your resolve on this bedtime issue yet. They want the engagement as it extends the interesting day! Stay calm, say little beyond “Family time is over, I love you, see you in the morning” and stick to your resolve. You are not mean or cold or heartless if you insist on grown-up time. You are investing in yourself as a person and a partner and as a parent. The whole family will benefit.
Nancy Olsen-Harbich is Program Director and a Human Development Specialist with Cornell Cooperative Extension of Suffolk County’s Family Health and Wellness Program. She can be reached at 631-727-7850 ext. 332 or at no18@cornell.edu.