By Nancy Olsen-Harbich, MA
“Why can’t they just get along? In our pre-parenting fantasies about the families we looked forward to creating, loving and supportive sibling relationships were a given – our fair and attentive parenting would eliminate all sources of rivalry. “Easy”, we thought. What happened? Why in the world are they fighting over an inch of space in the car – over the last french fry on the plate when they both have had plenty? How do we stop the squabbling?
First, know that sibling rivalry is normal; it happens in the healthiest of families. The arguing that erupts may serve children in helping them learn and practice many important communication skills: how to be assertive, how to compromise, how to be persuasive, and how to forgive and move on. It is a good practice ground if you can find ways to keep your sanity as a parent while it happens.
Practical Ideas for Parents:
Be Proactive
Find things to admire and cherish in each child’s personality. Every child has individual strengths (even the “difficult child”) and you should talk about these often. Avoid comparisons of children and accept your children for the individuals they are. Try to be fair with the amount of attention and time your children individually receive. Children who feel loved and accepted are less likely to use sibling fighting as a way to grab your attention.
Talk positively about your children. Let them overhear you saying nice things about them to their siblings and to other adults. And be sure to compliment both of them in person when you observe cooperative behavior, “The two of you, working together, made a really tall building. Will, your stairway connects perfectly to that fancy platform you made, Lisa.” Word to the wise – if you notice them only when they fight, they will do more of it.
Plan ahead for times and situations that typically erupt into squabbling. Consider having one child assigned every night as a “kitchen helper” so that kids are out of each other’s hair during the stressful, pre-dinner period. Bring books and small toys with you when you go out so there is always something to do. Bored children will happily entertain themselves by teasing siblings. Use small crates in the car (full of children’s books) to divide space. To decrease contact opportunities, place children strategically at the “long ends” of the table at meal or play or art time.
Focus on Solutions
Are you tired of being “judge and jury” to their squabbles? Stay focused on a solution to the problem even when kids want to draw you into a discussion about who is at fault. Asking “What are we going to DO about the problem” is always a more productive question than asking who caused the problem. Ask them to figure out how to share the red truck. Offer to set the timer on the stove for “turns.” If your preschooler can’t get any peace to play because your toddler keeps grabbing the toys, offer to have the toddler help you with something in another part of the house.
Listen for Feelings
Try to coach them in strategies for problem solving. Let them know you are confident they can figure something out and leave them to do it. Have frequent one-on-one discussions where your child can tell you their own feelings about their siblings. Offer empathy. “You’re frustrated. It certainly is hard to keep your things safe around your younger brother.” “You’re feeling angry that you have to sit though Connor’s boring baseball practices.” Try brainstorming ideas that might help. Understanding their feelings goes a long way towards reducing fighting.
Recommended Books for Parents:
Anthony Wolf’s “Mom, Jason’s Breathing on Me”
Nancy Samilin’s “Loving Each One Best”
Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish’s “Siblings without Rivalry”
Nancy Olsen-Harbich is Program Director and a Human Development Specialist with Cornell Cooperative Extension of Suffolk County’s Family Health and Wellness Program. She can be reached at 631-727-7850 ext. 332 or at no18@cornell.edu.