By Kerri Kreh Reda, M.P.H.
As a parent educator, I often suggest that parents use choices as a tool for guiding their child’s behavior. Offering choices is a great way to cut down on power struggles between you and your child because it allows you to set boundaries (the parent determines the choices) while allowing your child some say in what he or she is doing, eating, wearing etc. (the child decides between the 2 choices the parent has offered). As an example, if you struggle getting your child dressed in the morning, you might use choices in this way:
Parent: “Today you can wear your green pants or your blue pants. Which would you like to wear?” Please note that this is much different than asking “What would you like to wear today?” In a perfect world your child will choose one or the other and your morning will go smoothly. However, your child may say “I want to wear my shorts.” To that you can respond, “The choices are your green pants or your blue pants. Which do you choose?” and you should continue repeating these choices until your child makes a decision.
Here are some important things to keep in mind when using choices:
- Only offer 2 choices. More than that can be overwhelming, especially for younger children.
- Only offer choices you are willing and able to follow through with. In the example above; if the green pants are not clean or are inappropriate for the weather or occasion, do not offer them as a choice.
- Do not negotiate with your child; instead repeat the original choice. If after a reasonable period of time your child has still not made a choice, simply say “I see you are having a tough time making a decision, so today I will choose for you.” Once the opportunity for the child to choose has been taken away, it is not likely to happen again.
- Do not give a choice unintentionally.
I need to spend a little extra time on this last one since I see it A LOT. Parents offer a choice without realizing they offered a choice, and then they get upset with their child because he or she does not obey. It looks something like this – Parent: “It’s time to get your pajamas on now, okay?” The parent meant “It’s time to put your pajamas on now, do you understand?” or “It’s time to put your pajamas on now, did you hear me?” However, it is interpreted by the child as “Do you want to put your pajamas on now or not?” To this, most children will say “No.” Whenever we tack on “okay”, we are presenting it as a choice, so be aware of how you phrase your choices.
Below is a link to Penn State Extension’s Giving Children Choices which will provide more in-depth information about using choices with children. “Would you like to click on it, or not?” The choice is yours!
http://bkc-od-media.vmhost.psu.edu/documents/tips0309.pdf
Kerri Kreh Reda, M.P.H., is a Human Development Specialist with Cornell Cooperative Extension of Suffolk County’s Family Health and Wellness Program. She can be reached at 631-727-7850 ext. 330 or at kkr5@cornell.edu.