How to Respond When Your Child Gives You ‘Back Talk’

By Nancy Olsen-Harbich, MA

A wonderful morning at the park quickly disintegrates when you announce that it is time to go home and your child replies “That’s what you think!” Your request to clear the puzzle off the kitchen table so that you can set it for dinner gets a “No. I’m NOT done yet.” What’s going on here? Are these retorts signs of a sassy, bratty child in the making?

Not necessarily. Young children are constantly trying to establish themselves as independent, self-directed beings. This is a healthy and important developmental goal. Your job is to provide guidance on how to accomplish this goal while maintaining good manners and respecting authority. Left unmanaged, “back talk” at age 4 can escalate into a habit of communicating disrespectfully.

Mutually Respectful Communication

Try to always model and demonstrate the behavior and respectful communication style you want your child to have. Take a closer look at how you communicate your requests to your child. Do you use a polite tone, clearly state your expectations, and try to respect their needs as well as your own? “Get that puzzle off the table” is not the same as “Please put those puzzle pieces on this tray so that you can work on it after dinner.”

If your frustration with your child has led you to make rude comments like “Shut up” or “That’s what you think”, you are providing your child with a storehouse of sarcastic phrases to draw from when frustrated. And young children feel frustrated often – big people are always getting in the way of their plans!

Maintain Your Composure

No matter how vigilant you are at modeling respectful communication, your child will occasionally test the limits and “sass” you. Maintain your composure. Do not get into a battle of the wills. Take a deep breath and restate your request in a very polite and firm voice, ignoring the back talk. Do not give in, give up, or explode. Stay with your child, giving guidance on what he needs to do, until he has complied with your request. Be clear what the consequences will be for non-compliance. “The puzzle needs to go on the tray now or I will pack it up and you won’t have the opportunity to finish it later.” Be consistent and firm on your follow through. Never make empty threats.

Look each day for opportunities to reinforce the appropriate way your child should talk to you. “I like the way you politely asked me to help you get the cap off the glue before it became a problem for you.” is positive reinforcement for a child who could have become frustrated and instead asked for help instead of whining or getting mad. “When you take my hand in the parking lot as soon as I ask, I know you’re growing up and understanding the safety rules” is a powerful teaching tool. In the long term, this method of positively commenting on appropriate behaviors teaches your child good coping skills and will enhance harmony within your family.

Nancy Olsen-Harbich is Program Director and a Human Development Specialist with Cornell Cooperative Extension of Suffolk County’s Family Health and Wellness Program. She can be reached at 631-727-7850 ext. 332 or at no18@cornell.edu.