By Nancy Olsen-Harbich, MA
Watch a four year old having a melt-down in the middle of a family celebration and you know his circuits are on overload. If it happens to be your own child, you might even feel a bit stressed out yourself. There’s nothing like Cousin Cindy’s judgmental stare to bring out feelings of inadequacy, in even the most confident parents. Although some “out of the ordinary” behavior is expected and tolerated by good humored, empathetic adults, planning ahead increases the odds of avoiding embarrassment and everyone in the family having a good time.
Give Your Kids a Preview
The night before, or even in the car on the way, talk about what the get-together will be like, who will be there, what people will do, and what rules to keep in mind in different areas of the home. Be very clear about what you expect – good manners, sharing toys with cousins, safe and unsafe playing areas. As with most things in parenting, your best defense is a good offense.
If you have a slow-to-warm-up child, try to be one of the first guests to arrive. Walking into a “mob scene” can make even the most outgoing child want to run for the car. Help a shy child engage with other children by bringing a fun activity with you that they can all share.
Plan for Eating and Playing
What if Grandpa always serves pickled herring and you know your kids won’t eat it? Offer to bring an appetizer or hors d’oevre that you know your children will eat. This way you can be assured that your child will at least have some “food in the engine” as they make merry. Hunger often leads to behavior that you would rather avoid. If kids will be dining separately, teach them how to handle themselves at the table.
Although it’s tempting to catch-up with your sister over a glass of Merlot, provide some supervision for children at play. Encourage them to tidy up one activity before moving on to the next. If sweet little Susie leaves pillaged rooms in her wake, she will be long remembered. Think ahead and plan a mixed-generation activity for at least part of the time.
Faced with a group of rambunctious children, adults often reach for a movie to entertain them. Resist the urge to “plug them in”, at least for a few hours! Try tolerating a stampede of giggling, playing cousins having lots of fun. Happy memories are being made, so try ignoring the noise level.
Timing is Everything
Keep visits short and sweet – leave while things are going well. If you know that your children always fall apart when kept up later than their normal bedtime and you decide to stay out late anyway, you’re asking for it. If the tradition is to hold a long day into night gathering, consider going for only part of it. Limit your visit to a manageable amount of time that contains the “best” part of the celebration. More than three or four hours in a “party” setting is pushing your luck with young children.
There are no perfect children. In the long run, family get-togethers are about building valued and lasting relationships. Enjoy the holidays and your family!
Nancy Olsen-Harbich is Program Director and a Human Development Specialist with Cornell Cooperative Extension of Suffolk County’s Family Health and Wellness Program. She can be reached at 631-727-7850 ext. 332 or at no18@cornell.edu.