By Nancy Olsen-Harbich, MA
What Parents Can Do to Help Children Adjust to Divorce
Young children do not really understand what divorce is, but they quickly come to realize that their lives change when their parents separate and divorce. This almost always leads to stress due to changes they cannot control. What can parents do to try to help their children through this difficult transition period?
Reassure Children that the Divorce is Not Their Fault
Children often believe that they are the cause of the separation/divorce. Parents must be very clear that nothing the children said, did, or thought is the reason for the split. Be as honest as possible, in language children can understand, about why the marriage is ending. “Mommy and Daddy have tried but they can’t seem to get along.” Be passionate and sincere about your commitment to both love and care for the children.
Children need reassurance that not everything will change. “You will still live here at our home, go to your school, play with your friends, and visit with Grandma on Sunday.” But be honest about what will change. “Daddy will not live here anymore, but will spend time with you each weekend.”
Children cope best when they know what to expect. Marking a calendar so children can “see” scheduled visitations can help them understand that they will still be able to spend time with the parent who no longer lives at home. Try to maintain as many of the children’s routines and traditions as possible. Some will change, of course, but work hard at replacing them with new ones.
Allow Children to Express Their Feelings
Allow children to express their fear, anger, and sorrow due to the divorce. Acknowledge their feelings, encourage them to talk, and listen to what they say without cutting them off with statements like, “Don’t feel sad,” or “You shouldn’t feel angry.”
During the period leading up to the separation and divorce, children often see and hear how angry and upset their parents are with each other. Conflict between parents after separation also makes adjustment more difficult for children. Work on ways to decrease conflict and try to shield the children from your arguments.
During hard times, we all benefit from extra affection and warmth in our relationships. Children need to know that they are deeply loved, and that your feelings towards them have not changed.
In the long run, children who cope best with divorce are those who continue to have stable and loving relationships with both parents and regular, dependable visits with the parent who doesn’t live with them.
Nancy Olsen-Harbich is Program Director and a Human Development Specialist with Cornell Cooperative Extension of Suffolk County’s Family Health and Wellness Program. She can be reached at 631-727-7850 ext. 332 or at no18@cornell.edu.