By Tim Jahn, M.ED
She looks like Mia Hamm striking soccer balls past the goalie. He plays violin so skillfully, it’s not hard to imagine his name in lights at Carnegie Hall. With her size, determination and powerful backstroke, she’s a surefire future Olympian. Are these child prodigies or pretenders? What’s a parent’s role in supporting a pre-teen’s talents and ambitions?
First of all, it’s important to be utterly realistic about future fame and fortune. Many children show exceptional abilities in one or more areas, but very few persevere to the point of prominence. Exceptional achievement, and the acclaim that accompanies it, require substantial sacrifice and diligence from the child and her parents. Even then, the odds are stacked: for every one Matt Harvey or Serena Williams, there are tens of thousands of young people who fail to make the cut or burn out pursuing impossible dreams.
Whose dream is it anyway? It’s okay to support your child’s goal of becoming a Broadway star or a pro golfer, but you probably need to back off if you find yourself pushing a gifted, but indifferent, child to compete and excel. Parents who are over-involved and overbearing run the risk of alienating their child from them and the activity.
If a pre-teen has the desire, talent and discipline, parents can be supportive without being pushy. Here are some suggestions for parents of pre-teens who show promise of greatness:
- Be positive about your child’s abilities and aspirations. Nagging about practice and criticizing performance are not helpful and often destroy motivation.
- Recruit the services of another adult who can coach or mentor your child. Most pre-teens and teens respond better to the advice of non-parental adults. For the sake of your long-term relationship, it’s best to be your child’s cheerleader rather than his coach.
- Provide the resources your child may need to succeed. Lessons, equipment, uniforms, and league or contest fees are some of the costs that may be required to nurture talent. Avoid unscrupulous individuals and programs which can exploit your child’s interests for their own gain.
- Keep the focus on fun, learning and growth, rather than on awards and trophies. Many kids never become the next Jordan Spieth or Natalie Portman, but have wonderful experiences that enrich their adolescence and lead to a lifelong love of sport or art.
Tim Jahn is a Human Ecology Specialist with Cornell Cooperative Extension of Suffolk County’s Family Health and Wellness Program and leads workshops for parents of pre-teens and teens. He can be reached at 631-727-7850 ext. 331 or at tcj2@cornell.edu.