By Dinah Torres Castro
Parents wanting to find the key to having well behaved children must first look at how they approach discipline. Discipline is all about guiding the child and teaching him to understand limits at home and in other places. Even though you may have rules for how they should behave, most children do not begin acting with self-control until their middle childhood years around the ages of 7-9. Discipline for younger children is all about keeping them safe and involves them learning self-control.
All children need rules and limits. Parenting experts agree what children need most is love from their parents and structure in their lives. You can create structure in your child’s life by having expectations for proper behavior as well as constraints on how much freedom your child is given.
There are plenty of reasons to have rules, but the main reason is that over time they help your child develop the ability to manage his own behavior. Although it sounds contradictory, your child’s ability to control himself is something that grows out of his being controlled by you. The reason for this is that children acquire self-control by imposing on themselves the rules that their parents have imposed on them. Over time, the control of your child’s behavior gradually shifts from being external (imposed by you and other adults) to being internal (imposed by your child herself). However, if the external control is never there to begin with, the internal control—the self-control—won’t develop.
Children don’t come into this world with the ability to manage themselves. They acquire this capability by being asked to follow rules set down by parents who expect proper behavior from them and who set limits on what they can and cannot do. Don’t worry about your child feeling controlled or constrained. If you don’t manage your child’s behavior when he is young, he is going to have a hard time learning how to manage it himself when he is older and you aren’t around.
When setting rules follow these guidelines:
- Rules should be clear.
- Be consistent—every time a rule is broken you should respond in the same way. By being consistent with your rules and limits you will help your child learn what they are and are not allowed to do—how they should behave.
- Set no more than 5 or 6 house rules—rules should be age appropriate. Try setting 2 or 3 basic rules for a 2 year old such as no hitting and no throwing food. As children get older you can set more rules.
- Be realistic—only have rules for behaviors you know your child can control.
- Have consequences—let your child know what will happen if a rule is broken.
- Discuss rules with your child—make sure they understand what you mean by “hitting” and what the consequences will be. Involve your older children in setting the rules and the consequences for breaking them.
Setting rules and limits is an important start in helping your children learn how to behave.
For more information:
Appropriate Limits for Young Children
http://www.ces.ncsu.edu/depts/fcs/pdfs/fcs455.pdf
Dinah Castro is a Bilingual Family Well-Being Educator with Cornell Cooperative Extension of Suffolk County’s Family Health and Wellness Program. She can be reached at 631-727-7850 ext. 351 or at dc258@cornell.edu.