By Nancy Olsen-Harbich
Negotiating with your children can defuse a power struggle, resolve family conflicts, and help children develop decision making-skills they will need later in life. Not all issues, however, are negotiable.
As the adult, you are morally and legally responsible for your child’s health and well-being.
Matters that would endanger your child’s safety and health are truly non-negotiable: For example, your child must wear a seat belt, and cannot eat chocolate for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.
Be On the Lookout for Compromise
Matters that are important but not risky to the child, such as what shirt to wear to school or toy to take on a sleepover, can be subject to negotiation. Be on the lookout for possible areas of compromise. The process can be time consuming, but the benefits are great.
- Compromise allows you to keep some of the control, but satisfies a growing child’s need for increasing control.
- By showing your child that you respect her ideas and value her opinion, you help build self-esteem. Be open minded to your child’ suggestions, listen to her reasons and acknowledge her feelings, even when you can’t accommodate her wishes.
- Listening to your child’s views and taking into account his interest as well as yours, serves as a model for how your child should deal with others.
- Allowing children choices helps them plan ahead and consider the consequences of different decisions.
Guiding Your Child Through the Process—An Example
By asking specific questions, you can guide your child through the decision-making process. For instance, your child has a new book that he wants to bring over a friend’s house. You know the friend has a puppy in the chew phase. Just forbidding your child to bring the book could send the wrong message about sharing or lock the two of you in a power struggle. You might ask:
- Do you remember that Ashley has a puppy that chewed her new book?
- Will somebody be there to help you and Ashley read the book?
- Will you be able to store the book out of the puppy’s reach?
- If the puppy does wreck the book, how will that make you feel?
Considering such questions can help your child project ahead to outcomes other than the pleasurable experience of sharing a new book. He may decide to go to Ashley’s house to play with the puppy, but save the book for when Ashley visits him.
Nancy Olsen-Harbich is Program Director and a Human Development Specialist with Cornell Cooperative Extension of Suffolk County’s Family Health and Wellness Program. She can be reached at 631-727-7850 ext. 332 or at no18@cornell.edu.