At the Are You a Master of Love event last week, we discussed how and what it means to love a significant other. Love is not merely something one is “in”, but is something that needs to be exercised and nurtured over time. It is easy to become complacent and forget what the purpose of love is. Whether romantic or not, love is about people being fond of each other and making each other happy. People can lose sight of why they have the relationships they do and approach them as things to be gained and had rather than given. To maintain a relationship, each side must have empathy for the other and strive to make the connection work; otherwise, it will surely fail.

GRF Andrew mentioned a couple notable things that I had never thought about before. One thing he said was that he never goes to bed without first resolving the arguments he might have had with his wife. The idea not to go to bed angry or frustrated because of a conflict is enlightening. The nights I am anxious or vexed are the times I get my worst sleep, so it seems that not only is dealing with relationship issues before falling asleep helpful, but physically healthy too. Another valuable tidbit Andrew talked about was how to respond when one’s significant others are irritating. Instead of criticizing them, people should explain how what their partners did makes them feel. This communication creates an environment where each party wants to help the other rather than fight them for being ridiculous. Overall, making one’s feelings clear and being respectful of others’ allows everyone to be honest and able to analyze his or her situation better.

This past Monday I attended another interesting discussion about Love called “Are you a master of love”. I really enjoyed this very personal, small group discussion over dinner. We discussed an article that highlighted the key points about how to make a relationship last and thrive. I thought the article was very well written and very informative. As a group we talked about the key points and mentioned any personal experiences we had from it.

The discussion was really enjoyable as we got to share stories from our own personal experience, which made the topic much more meaningful and easier to understand. Moreover, GRF Andrew shared his personal love story about how he met his wife to illustrate several key points in the article. He mentioned always acknowledging a bid for attention from your significant other, as it will greatly help the relationship. He also described how he wrote letters to his future wife every day during their long distance friendship, and she would call him every few days. It was really great to hear how much effort he put into his relationship – i hope to take his wisdom and apply it to my own relationship.

My question for the readers out there- what is the most romantic or caring thing you have done for someone, or someone did for you?

I’ve always viewed love as the sort of thing that can never be mastered and those who say that they have mastered it are simply fools. Surprisingly, the Rose Scholars event I attended Monday has changed my mind. Romantic relationships, in particular, usually feels like nothing but a giant puzzle to me but after some insight by GRFs Antonio and Andrew along with a very interesting article by Emily Smith I realized that there are two keys to successful relationships. Love boils down to kindness and compassion, when both people practice both the relationship could very well be the sort of thing that leads to 70 year marriages. A major point that jumped out to me was the fact that when you enter a relationship you really have to be on the ball, the slightest bit of indifference or disinterest could sour the whole thing. Personally, I’ve always felt that the guys are usually the first to screw up the relationship by being either clueless or saying the wrong thing at the wrong time (not like I’ve ever done anything like that). After hearing some of my fellow scholars’ thoughts on this I found that it is really on a case by case basis. For example, GRF Andrew didn’t screw up his long distance relationship with his now wife, they both put in a ton of effort and it truly paid off. Heck, he is probably the closest thing to a master of love that I’ve ever seen.

The event as a whole was extremely fun, especially since Mondays usually suck for me and give me nightmares. The joke that GRF Antonio told about when a guy knows he is in love still has me cracking up, the guy should do stand-up. I also enjoyed meeting and connecting with more Rose Scholars whose thoughts on this particular subject were highly intriguing. Having a discussion in a small group setting was a nice experience and definitely something I’d do again.

Each Rose Scholars event teaches me something new and reminds me that I still have a ton to learn about practically every area of life. I can’t wait to attend more great events like this in the future.

Researchers did a study that predicted the longevity of relationships and the overall emotion concerning the relationship that couples felt. They looked at the attention each partner paid to the other with a number of different scenarios. The individuals that paid attention to their partners excitement were more happy in their relationship currently and in the future. Researchers noticed that the partners that offered their attention to each other were more likely to stay together in the future and be happily together. These couples also exhibited kindness and generosity, which researchers believe is the key to a long lasting relationship.

During the discussion, we also talk about the implications of having a lack of communication and or bitterness in any relationship. Some people use the tactic to not talk about the issue that is bothering them because they have been raised or socialized to behave unnaturally emotionless. When in reality, everyone’s feelings should be validated. The only disconnect should be what we choose to do with those feelings. We also looked at kindness and whether it was a personality trait or an act. I believe that most people are inherently good and tend to favor certain people. This favoritism causes us to act in kindness to bring joy to the person. Using your personality or anything else as an excuse  just shows your lack of concern for the other person and their happiness.

One of the GRF ended on a nice note by explaining how vital communication is in marriage. Communication can mean the difference between a happy marriage and an impending divorce.

This week, I had the pleasure to partake in another dinner discussion based on an Atlantic article by Emily Smith entitled “Masters of Love”. The article spoke about a study in which newlywed couples were brought in, asked questions about their relationships, and given physiological tests. The study found that the results of the study were able to predict whether the couples would stay together or get divorced six years later. Some of the physiological tests focused on if the couples felt aroused, stressed, or flight-or fight responses when speaking about their partners. This showed general uneasiness and discomfort with the partners, and the other tests showed how little habits could either help or put long term strain on relationships. I came late to the discussion since I was rushing from work, but I entered when the discussion was centered on what makes relationships work. Some of the responses and points that the article addressed included kindness/compassion, trust, and assuming the best intentions in your partner.

It seemed really trivial that obviously kindness and trust are essential for any good relationship, but I liked how we discussed how we could convey those emotions in every day situations that could reinforce relationships. The key really lies in the nuances in how we use our words. For example, GRF Andrew spoke about when we encounter issues in relationships, it’s important to frame the situation such that it involves the feelings of both partners and does not recklessly accuse one partner in fault. For example, instead of saying: “You didn’t wash the dishes, you’re irresponsible,” a more effective alternative would be “You didn’t wash this the dishes, this makes me feel unappreciated.” The slight change in the use of pronouns could help shift the argument into a discussion that involves both partners rather a single-sided accusation.

What I really liked about the discussion was that the GRFs spoke much about their own personal experiences with their relationships. GRF Andrew told us the story of how he met and eventually married his wife, and how it was difficult to make the relationship work at first since they he was in Ethiopia while she was in NYC. However, he emphasized how vital communication was in keeping their relationship strong even with the long distance (they constantly wrote letters and made late-night calls), and it was a really sweet story for all of us to hear. I hope to see more discussion events like this one, in which we all discuss a prominent topic that is relevant and and share our relatable experiences.

On Monday night, I attended what turned out to be my favorite Rose Scholars event of the semester. GRFs Andrew and Antonio led a discussion on romantic relationships—and what drives whether these relationships last or fail. Before the discussion, we all read Emily Esfahani Smith’s 2014 article “Masters of Love,” so we were familiar with the subject and excited to share our opinions. It was unanimous that we all considered kindness and compassion as paramount. In the article, Smith asserts how hurtful it is to one person when his/her partner shows no excitement when the other shares what he/she deems to be good news. Thinking back on a recent relationship, I now remember times at which I experienced this exact disconnect. Before reading the article, I had often wondered where things went wrong, but now I remember the sense of hurt and disappointment I experienced when my excitement was not warmly received.

It was really enjoyable hearing GRF Andrew’s story of meeting and eventually proposing to his wife of 10 years, and how communication is key in their relationship. Overall, what made this event stand out was the fact that I was able to connect with six other Rose Scholars and be a part of an hour-long discussion in a small group setting. I definitely plan to attend events like this next semester in Rose!

Tonight I was able to enter into a very informal but interesting conversation with GRF Andrew and Antonio and other Rose Scholar participants about what science has to say about the secret to a long lasting relationship.

Every day in June, the most popular wedding month of the year, about 13,000 American couples will say “I do,” committing to a lifelong relationship. Except, it doesn’t work out that way for most people. The majority of marriages fail, either ending in divorce and separation or devolving into bitterness and dysfunction. Of all the people who get married, only three in ten remain in healthy, happy marriages according to the statistics.

Much of it comes down to the spirit couples bring to the relationship. Do they bring kindness and generosity; or contempt, criticism, and hostility? It was found that contempt is the number one thing that tears relationships apart. Kindness on the other hand glues couples together.

There’s a habit of mind that the masters of love have which is they are scanning the social environment for things they can appreciate and say thank you for. They are building this culture of respect and appreciation very purposefully. Disasters of love are scanning the social environment for partners’ mistakes, ready to critisize them.

Research has shown that kindness is the most important predictor of satisfaction and stability in a marriage. Kindness makes each partner feel cared for, understood, and validated. There is a great deal of evidence showing the more someone receives or witnesses kindness, the more they will be kind themselves, which leads to upward spirals of love and generosity in a relationship.

In the discussion we determined that this does not just apply to romantic relationships, but kindness can be the glue in other relationships such as friendship.

There are two ways to think about kindness. You can think about it as a fixed trait, either you have it or you don’t. Or you could think of kindness as a muscle. In some people, that muscle is naturally stronger than in others, but it can grow stronger in everyone with exercise. So tomorrow go out and exercise this muscle by spreading a little kindness.