Tonight I was able to enter into a very informal but interesting conversation with GRF Andrew and Antonio and other Rose Scholar participants about what science has to say about the secret to a long lasting relationship.

Every day in June, the most popular wedding month of the year, about 13,000 American couples will say “I do,” committing to a lifelong relationship. Except, it doesn’t work out that way for most people. The majority of marriages fail, either ending in divorce and separation or devolving into bitterness and dysfunction. Of all the people who get married, only three in ten remain in healthy, happy marriages according to the statistics.

Much of it comes down to the spirit couples bring to the relationship. Do they bring kindness and generosity; or contempt, criticism, and hostility? It was found that contempt is the number one thing that tears relationships apart. Kindness on the other hand glues couples together.

There’s a habit of mind that the masters of love have which is they are scanning the social environment for things they can appreciate and say thank you for. They are building this culture of respect and appreciation very purposefully. Disasters of love are scanning the social environment for partners’ mistakes, ready to critisize them.

Research has shown that kindness is the most important predictor of satisfaction and stability in a marriage. Kindness makes each partner feel cared for, understood, and validated. There is a great deal of evidence showing the more someone receives or witnesses kindness, the more they will be kind themselves, which leads to upward spirals of love and generosity in a relationship.

In the discussion we determined that this does not just apply to romantic relationships, but kindness can be the glue in other relationships such as friendship.

There are two ways to think about kindness. You can think about it as a fixed trait, either you have it or you don’t. Or you could think of kindness as a muscle. In some people, that muscle is naturally stronger than in others, but it can grow stronger in everyone with exercise. So tomorrow go out and exercise this muscle by spreading a little kindness.