An architectural model of the new XL animal hospital as approved by the Cornell administration. The crane is about to load a sperm whale into the exam room.
This post was published on April 1st. The content is purely satirical but will remain on the site for your enjoyment.
Over Spring break the Cornell University College of Veterinary Medicine had finalized plans to build a whole new facility for taking care of oversized cetacean patients. The administration had been discussing the creation of this new facility ever since the C-section on a pygmy sperm whale 15 years ago that left the large animal hospital flooded. Plans for an ‘extra-large’ animal campus finally got the green light when an alumnus donated an oversized buttload of money to the University.
“This new development is extremely important” says Isabel Jimenez (‘19) who had worked extensively for the wildlife clinic. “We would get calls from people wanting to bring in dolphins, narwhals, bowhead whales, and I had to tell them that we couldn’t do it. We’re supposed to be the best but we couldn’t even take in a blue whale for fluid therapy and a physical. This is the level of incompetence people expect from Penn, not Cornell. I’m glad it’s about to change.”
The new facility will be equipped with all the facilities of the other hospitals: an ICU, suites for surgery, radiology, and dentistry, a pharmacy, and a treadmill for whales. “I regret that we didn’t have this when I was in clinics” laments Zach Dvornicky-Raymond (‘21). “There are so many useful techniques that are best to learn on whales, such as those waist-deep rectal palpations that allow you to palpate the cervix with both hands. I mean, whales have so much interesting anatomy, anatomy that the block 1 faculty have been trying to hide from us”
Providing facilities for whales is also about public health. Due to the high fat content of whale milk, creameries are willing to pay top dollar for the stuff, with consumption of whale milk up 4,300% in the past decade. “I’m very interested in the public health aspects of the whale milk industry.” says Sarah Balik (‘19). “That’s why I thought it was so great that Cornell is also installing a new whale dairy. Whale health and human health are very interconnected.”
A dairy cow being milked at the dairy parlor.
Because of the public health aspects, the extra-large animal hospital will help Cornell vet school achieve its goal of one health. This means that all problems on earth will soon be solved, and both humans and animals can rejoice in a Utopian state of eternal bliss! We have yet to receive updates for the anticipated ‘extra-small’ animal hospital where surgical nanobots will spay and/or neuter your pet nematode.
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