By Tim Jahn, M.ED
Her new friend is dressed all in black, has purple hair and pops her bubble gum incessantly. His new friend wears a tee shirt advertising a heavy metal band and featuring expletives only partially deleted. When you say, “Your new friend seems a little strange, don’t you think?” he becomes instantly defensive and defiant. You worry about this friendship, but wonder whether voicing your concerns will only drive your child away from you and closer to the new friend. What do you do when you don’t like their new friend?
Friends are vital, especially during the pre-teen and teen years when they provide essential social and emotional support. Friends share interests, listen and counsel, provide protection and support independence. They can teach each other about the three C’s of healthy personal relationships: communication, cooperation and caring. More than anything else, friends help each other work out the problems and tasks of adolescence.
But peers can also have a harmful influence. Parents are justifiably concerned that their children will adopt rotten attitudes and behave badly because of negative peer pressure. Many parents know intuitively that some peers mean trouble. Here are some tips for dealing with your pre-teen’s friendships when your internal alarms start buzzing:
- Don’t jump to conclusions based on first or second impressions. While the new friend may look strange or sinister, she may be kind, polite and generous. Give her a chance to show you her inner qualities and values.
- Avoid criticizing your pre-teen’s or teen’s friends unless you have factual support for your opinions. For example, calling a new friend “weird” or “bad,” will usually lead to arguments, but pointing out that the new friend uses profanity or smokes cigarettes will help your child form his own opinions about the friendship.
- If you suspect real problems, like cutting classes, shoplifting or worse, increase your vigilance. Should your suspicions be confirmed, confront your child and let her know the friendship is off-limits until you are convinced the friendship will not lead to bad decisions.
- Even if the new friend is not a troublemaker, you may still want to discourage the friendship and expand your child’s social choices. Encourage your pre-teen or teen to invite other kids into your home and to join clubs and teams.
Tim Jahn is a Human Ecology Specialist with Cornell Cooperative Extension of Suffolk County’s Family Health and Wellness Program. He can be reached at 631-727-7850 ext. 331 or at tcj2@cornell.edu.