Parenting comes with pressure and it takes a lot to be the salmon swimming upstream and do things differently.  Yet, it is ok to be that salmon. I remember the pressures I felt, some self-induced and some from other parents.  If I am honest, I would say that I let the pressures of others get to me at times.  They probably cared little about how I was raising my children.  But, I looked to others to seek guidance and let their views influence my approaches at times.

I had the pleasure to participate in a great webinar recently sponsored by Children and Screens https://www.childrenandscreens.org where they brought in researchers to discuss the pros and cons of smart phones and how to introduce them and if monitoring should take place. The following highlights some great takeaways to help you begin thinking about it. Cell phones are not going away, but by being thoughtful and curating the unleashing of them is strongly encouraged.  

I like to equate cell phone use with driving a car.  We do not just hand our keys over to the kids and say, HAVE AT IT!  There is a process and hopefully a lot of discussions about safety and responsibility.  On top of that, there are state regulations on the process and other trainings, which help to foster these safety checks (permit, road test, written test, sometimes additional training from a driving school, practice with another certified driver, probationary period and then full licensing).  Because having a cell phone also requires safety knowledge and levels of responsibility, the thoughts on how to navigate it are similar.

Communication is essential first and foremost.  If your child is unwilling to have a healthy conversation around the cell phone and possible limit setting and they stomp off, then they probably do not have the emotional regulation strategies in place to actually have a cell phone YET.

Goal setting and Assessing Your Child’s Readiness

So first, it is important for parents to agree upon the goals for the cell phone.  Is it needed because they will be home alone or at a practice or activity that will require them to reach out to you?  Are they caring for a sibling at home and have no other way to reach out in case of emergency?  Are you the conduit between your child and their friends, coaches, activities?

The guidance is that we start with training wheels and ask ourselves the following questions.  Then use this list to guide conversations with our youth.

• Does my child demonstrate responsibility with items?
• Can they handle taking physical care of an expensive item and/or do they lose things easily?
• Do they have the emotional regulation skills to navigate all that comes with these devices? If not, are you prepared to help them navigate this?
• How do they handle limit setting in their day to day? Do they follow the limits that are set?
• How do they currently handle time management? Will owning this device help or hurt this?
• Would they be open to a scalable approach to “onboarding” this device or is it all or nothing to them?
• Do they understand privacy concerns and use caution about oversharing?
• How do they typically handle social issues in person? Are they a leader or a follower?  Based on their role, it is helpful to have conversations around how to handle issues that occur in the virtual world.
• Are they aware of algorithms and how they play into what comes across their screen?
• Are they prepared for information that may present itself to them that could be disturbing (violent war images, pornography, gun violence, etc.)

Mentoring Through Device Use

Having a device is still a privilege and with this comes an expectation of responsibility. We, as adults, do need to come from a mentoring position as opposed to a monitoring or controlling position.  We need to understand that ALL predicaments, situations, etc. cannot always be anticipated prior to owning a cell phone. Yet, we hope that our youth will be open to having conversations about potential issues and look to us as a guide to help them navigate them as they arise.  In addition, cell phones are extremely costly, so scaffolding or exposing our children to simpler technologies to begin with, is highly recommended while we educate and work beside our youth while they navigate these devices.  It was recommended to start out with a flip phone or a Gizmo watch to allow for texting or calling only, with no access to the internet. 

The researchers stated it is important to provide a positive foundation on texting first.  They stated that this skill is under taught. In our past, we would hear our parents on the house phone talking and communicating with others, so we could more readily model their behavior.  Yet, it is rare that youth know what their parents are texting to others and what thoughts they have before they respond to something.  It is helpful for parents to try to articulate this to help kids understand. It also might help to explain how you decide when to pick up the phone to call instead of texting.

How to handle sticky situations

It is essential that we explain to our youth the value of not causing harm to the humans on the other side of the screen.  It is helpful to remind our youth, if you wouldn’t say it to their face, then take a strong pause before texting it to them.

When group texting, it is important to guide our youth on how to handle situations that arise.  For example, if someone is mean while on a group text, what  approaches or options does your child have?

• Ignore it? What does this mean if they do?
• Stand up for the victim? What does it mean if they do?
• Leave the chat? What do they worry about if they do?
• Reach out to the aggressor on the side? What are those implications?
• Reach out to the victim later in solidarity?
• If they don’t know what to do, remind them to reach out to a trusted adult

These conversations are important to have with an open dialogue and allow for your child to verbalize their thoughts without us “shoulding” them.

House Rules

Once they do have a cell phone or even an intermediary device, it is important for there to be house rules:

• Sleep and uninterrupted sleep is vital to our children’s health. Determining a charging location that allows for sleep to occur is essential.  This could be the kitchen or it may be the parent’s room.
• Prioritizing other activities like homework before leisure time on the device.
• Limiting device time or “light’s out” approach.
• Explaining privacy settings and indicate how they will be used
• If away from home, that they let you know when they change location
• While new on these tools, “onboard” your children with you by their side, have check ins and the opportunity to review texts, etc.
• Role model the appropriate behaviors – put your phone down or close laptop when you are engaged with your kids, give others the priority to the device, engage in other interests beside the phone, don’t use while at the dinner table. They shared research that stated half the children in elementary school say they cannot get their parents attention because they are on their phones. If you are engaged with your device to read a recipe, the news, checking the weather for activities, checking texts from a coach, explain what you are doing.
• Set them up to thrive, not control them.

As mentioned, cell phones are powerful devices that are not going away.  So, it is important that open and ongoing conversations go on before handing one off.  Then, while they are using it we need to be readily available until they are ready to independently use it.  Being a parent that is a resource who expects missteps will be the best approach.  We all make mistakes in life, so being prepared to guide and support our youth while navigating is a great way to help them be successful and continue a trusting relationship.

All the best in parenting, Suzan