Where was I? Oh, now I remember. I created a realistic educational reader about farming using the alphabet as a guide and left off with H. Who knew there were that many letters. Anyway here goes:
I is pronounced “eye” and although over-used by the egotistical among us, still deserves a place in any list of farm vernacular words. We find it in phrases like insurance policy, insect damage and milk inspector. In the pressure of planting or harvesting you may hear words like impractical, illogical, impatient and of course, what farmers accomplish daily, the impossible.
The list of farm words that start with “j” is long and jarring. We cannot forget the famous Jersey cow, one of the five major dairy breeds. Varying from light gray to almost dark fawn in color, they hail from the tiny island of Jersey, off the coast of France. Weighing from 900 to 1300 pounds, she produces over thirteen times her body weight in milk every year. Jerseys are kind of the Prius of the cow world.
K, of course, is for kuh and the reason I get up in the morning. I’m using the German word for cow in a tribute to my mother’s German heritage. Actually cows of any heritage don’t care what time you get up in the morning as long as they are fed and milked at the same time every day. They love to have their daily routine as predictable as possible. A creature of habit, they are not big on surprises.
L is for legumes, those nitrogen fixing plants like the peas, beans, clovers and alfalfa that are able to make their own nitrogen fertilizer from the air. This is one of God’s minor miracles that still annoys fertilizer dealers. Cows then, through the magic of their four stomachs, are able to make milk from the alfalfa they consume.
M is for mud, that semi-liquid soil that has plagued farmers ever since the invention of rubber tires for tractors. A problem in the summer and fall after a heavy rain, mud is worse in the spring as the temperatures rise and the once frozen ground begins to soften. There is a short period when the top four inches of a field are thawed leaving a floor of frozen ground beneath to hold up the tractor and spreader. If we have either a heavy rain or sudden warm spell, only a four-wheel drive tractor will get you through.
N is for new, something farmers don’t see very often – farm machinery, for example. In fact, farming has always been a search for the machine you need at a price you can afford. Farm auctions are the best place to shop, but they’re usually too far away. Next we look through the used lot at machinery dealers. Too often there are obvious reasons why they were traded in. After that it’s either Craig’s List or eBay. Too bad they don’t sell tractors at garage sales.
O is for optimism, something all farmers need to survive. It is defined as expecting the best possible outcome and that good ultimately triumphs over evil. That is why a farmer knows that eventually it will either rain or stop raining; or that the roller chains on the chopper, now mostly repair links, will hold together until we finish the field.
I optimistically thought that I’d have time to finish the farmer’s alphabet, but I’ve got to go clean the barn now, so please wait patiently for P.
Joe Peck, a Saratoga County dairy farmer, storyteller and humorous speaker, is author of “A Tractor in the House & Other Smashing Farm Stories” and “A Cow in the Pool & Udder Humorous Farm Stories” which you may order at www.joepeckonline.com or call (518) 584-4129.
