After reading a plethora of alphabet books to my grandchildren, it dawned on me there is a crying need for such a book to teach our youth the many words associated with farming. This story is my attempt to create such an educational reader.
A is for apathy, defined as a lack of feeling or emotion. A farmer has to know what this word means so he can tell the whether a cow is truly apathetic or just contented. I have always been amazed at a cow’s ability to empty their minds of all worldly cares and concentrate on just masticating what they just ate. I can’t imagine doing anything without worrying about jobs not finished, bills not paid or meals not yet savored.
Photo Credit: DAVID MELCHOR DIAZ via Compfight
B is for bothersome, defined as an irritating or petty annoyance. That sounds like an average farmer’s day, full of decisions, discoveries and disappointments. There was a time when a farmer could find a way to hide from this constant chatter, either by spending the day on a noisy tractor or immersed in a complicated repair project. The ever present cell phone has forever destroyed those private moments.
C is for cement, the surface that farmers spend their lives building forms for pouring into, carving dates in when still wet and walking on after it’s hard. For dairy farmers, ready mix cement is the greatest invention ever, second only to duct tape.
D is for dogs, once a necessity on a cattle farm, now not so much. When dairy cows were let out to pasture, a well -trained dog could round them up later and bring them back to the barn for the next milking. Now, when most of our dairy cows are pampered with comfortable stalls and full feed boxes, farm dogs are limited to barking at the arrival of strange cars, bearing either milk inspectors or salesmen.
E is for envy. Today’s farmers are not exempt from this affliction. They should be forgiven for suffering pangs of jealousy whenever they see a neighbor using a new labor saving device they have coveted for years.
F is for feet. Like so many things, we can’t live with them and can’t live without them. It is so easy for farmers to ignore proper foot care, for part of the day they need something water proof, then later for tractor or shop work something lighter will suffice. Whatever a farmer chooses, it must be easily removed upon entering the house. No one type seems to fit all needs. I guess that’s why there is always a pile of shoes and boots at the rear entrance of most farm homes.
G is for green, a farmer’s favorite color. Not just for tractors, but for emerging crops, for hooded sweatshirts and for the money he sees briefly before it’s on its way to the feed or machinery dealer, tax man, or to pay the cell phone bill.
H is for hay, that ubiquitous animal feed that can be harvested and stored in many different ways. Horses and young stock like it dry, cows like it as ensilage, preferably mixed with their daily dose of fermented chopped corn. Over time the word hay has become an adjective to describe things no longer connected to farming. When things don’t go as planned, we say “Everything went haywire”. When someone is struck with a powerful punch, we say ” He was hit with a real haymaker” or when someone is derided for their unfamiliarity with modern life, we say they are a real “hayseed”.
I sure hope I find time to cultivate more thoughts and harvest more words to finish the rest of this farmer’s alphabet.
Joe Peck, a Saratoga County dairy farmer, storyteller and humorous speaker, is author of “A Tractor in the House & Other Smashing Farm Stories” and “A Cow in the Pool & Udder Humorous Farm Stories” which you may order at www.joepeckonline.com or call (518) 584-4129.
