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The Life North Berwick with K. Zissarr

Since the island of New Penzance–invented for Wes Anderson’s 2012 summer hipster-hit Moonrise Kingdom–doesn’t exist in real life, I’ll settle for North Berwick. During Saturday’s trip to Tantallon Castle, I experienced this East Lothian town in a completely different way: by walking through its fields and along its highway. Since this twee trek inevitably evoked Khaki Scout adventures and soft guitar music, today’s post has been irrevocably infected by Anderson’s signature style (he is, after all, my favourite filmmaker of all time).

(For maximum enjoyment, I recommend putting on some 60s French pop/classic folk-rock/Benjamin Britten/indie tunes and assuming a monotone vocal timbre and neutral facial expression. Hanging out with Bill Murray (one-time Cornell marching band conductor) is suggested, but not mandatory.)

The year is 2013. We are on the edge of the North Sea, famous for the ferocious and well-documented puffins and gannets which, sources believe, are well on their way to challenging mankind for global sovereignty.

This is the coastline pathway to Tantallon Castle.

Three miles long.

Local flora and fauna includes stoats, seabirds, tall grasses, and mobile homes.

To the left is the North Berwick Law, a conical hill whose summit boasts the unexplainable presence of a whale’s jawbone. Deterioration of the original bones, potentially by macabre souvenir-seekers, has resulted in the installation of a fibre-glass replica. 

The donor of this replica, though presumably considered a local hero, has yet to reveal his identity.

It takes approximately an hour’s very leisurely walk to reach Tantallon. At this point in the journey, trailer parks are supplanted by golf courses, complete with Scottish golfers attempting to bring back the newsboy cap. The golf courses are in turn replaced by rolling fields.

Crops currently appear to include dandelions and the afore-mentioned tall grass.

Admission to the castle costs approximately as much as six six-packs of Jordan Valley pita breads, a meal and a half at the Mosque Kitchen, or one-quarter of a professional Scottish haircut.

Tickets can be purchased within a demi-sized gift shop complex located a few minutes’ walk down the road from the parking lot. Souvenir guides, plastic knights in purple armour, and a rough estimate of seven differently packaged varieties of Scottish shortbread are also available.

The castle dates from the fourteenth century, and was originally the frequently besieged home of the Douglas clan.

Most modern visitors, however, are more interested in its entanglement in a 2009 ghost story controversy, in which a professor of psychology supplied the public with a year-old image supposedly documenting a phantom figure in period dress standing behind one of Tantallon’s more disturbing grates.

My recent investigation has so far provided not even a single neck ruff’s worth of tangible evidence.

Tantallon Castle’s winning combination of ruins and the seaside makes it a strong contender for the most perfect castle of all time. And, to vaguely connect this back to Cornell, I have only one thing to say to anyone who claims to be my friend whilst still believing that the nightmares of Slope Day could ever be preferable to ancient ruins:

No, you’re not. You’re disloyal.